The Strangest Antics

I know my last post was bizarre, but I think I wrote it half awake. Haha.

Well cancel that shit I wrote, I got a grip now.

I'm perfectly fine as I always am.

I have the strangest antics, my cousin Matt and I love to write away messages that sound like they're for somebody, but they are for nobody at all.

Shit just pops in our head. Funniest thing is, ppl always think somethin' of it, when the truth of the matter is that, all it is, is an AWAY MSG.

Fun stuff.

First day of school today, super fun. So far so good, I hope tomorrow is just as interesting.

Where Did I Fuck Up..?

Where the hell did I fuck up & let him get to me? How the hell did I handle this for so long then suddenly abandon everything I've been teaching myself? Why do I feel for him now?

I feel fucking stupid. I never meant to like him more than I already did. What the hell was I thinking?

I wanted it to be casual, I didn't have to think about him everyday, I only missed him on rare occasions and today, I missed him all day.

Stupiiiid me. Now I'm awake, thinking about it entirely too much, knowing he's not going to call or text or IM or say anything to me because that's how we've been for months.

Self-realization, I really like him & I don't want to.

Natural History Museum of Los Angeles

So, I went to NHM with my cousin Matt. The cousin that I'm ALWAYS with. He's practically my roll dawg. Haha. Anyways, here' some random pictures I took. Please excuse the poor quality, I was using my phone.

*btw it feels really weird to type b'cus one of my fingers has a bandaid on and it's starting to go numb lol.

Okay so, these pictures posted backwards. I'm going to give detail backwards then, starting towards the end of the day then to the beginning.

I took this picture of the bathroom wall when I was at a Jazz Cafe in Little Tokyo watching Matt's cousin Vex (from Super Crew)'s band Punch. They were super rad.

Boa Python skeleton, pretty dope huh? Believe it or not, I used to have a Python, I also had an Iguana.

Real people working on a T.Rex's bones. They're working on putting it up for display, still cleaning it

It was a T.Rex lab, you could walk by and see everything.

Matt thought the shadow looked dope, unfortunately I have no flash.

Triceratops. It was pretty massive, I can't even explain.

You have no idea how huge that walrus was, that's the only reason I took a picure.

Okay this Oarfish thing, I've never heard of and I wish I took a better picture but it was loooonggggg as fckkkkk & ugly as hell.

I just thought this meteorite looked dope. Shit's forreal, it's got crosshatches on it, probably melted all the minerals down on impact into the earth's atmos.

Yeah these things just looked weird as hell. But huuuuuuge, Like I wana say they were 3-4 feet long.

Now this Megamouth thing was nuts. It's actually a breed of shark. It has bristle teeth much like a humpback whale and pretty much feeds off the same stuff. It was HUGGGEE, I wish I wrote the stats down, but it was freaking me out.

I'm a girl. I thought the baby was cute.

This thing was ridiculously massive as well.

I love wolves.

I thought the hall looked dope, if I had a real camera, I would've been more artistic.

They were eating a Zebra, sadness. I love Zebra, everyone knows.

This picture reminds me of every movie that was ever filmed at museums like this one, like Harry Potter for example when he puts his cousin in the snake pit and makes the snake come alive or something. Or those freaking movies where the lovers are sitting in the middle dramatizing, yeah you catch my drift.

Scaled model of the entire city of Los Angeles, it was pretty big, I fucked up trying to get it on an angle.

Me and Matt actually ate first before doing anything. I was fucking starving. I was joking around with him too, 'bout driving all the way to LA jst to eat mac & cheese & apple juice. & I felt like a little kid during snacktime.

The end, or rather, the beginning of the trip.

Matt and I decided to do all this spontaneously, we had 7 hours to kill. We're going to do museums everytime we get bored in the afternoon. That's our shit, you have no idea how much we love education, lol.

Me & Boys

So, everytime I go out with a guy or see someone I like or whatever interaction takes place, I usually end up pondering it over through the next day.

I'm done thinking about it today, but I wanted to write some stuff that sounded kinda interesting to me.

I always believed that exes or guys I've had some sort of relationship could still be my friends because who better to know you than someone who knows you as a friend and as a girlfriend. I happened to ask someone I used to talk to for some type of input on the guy I'm kind of talking to now.

I was explaining how it was weird how the relationship started. Pretty much this guy is a friend of a friend and we just started holding hands at clubs and he was just all lovey dovey and sweet. And my friend interrupted my explanation to say, you just have that effect on people, you get closer and closer eventually touching a guys arm or something and then you end up holding their hand. I honestly was taken aback when he said that, but then I never take anything MDR says offensively 'cause I value his input, I'd like to say he knows me pretty well. I also thought that was pretty interesting of him to say because I think I tend to do it to him too. So then I started thinking to myself, why do I do that? Then I started explaining to MDR that I don't expect anything of the guy, but yet I like him and MDR says, well you shouldn't expect anything of the guy. And I said something like, so I shouldn't try to persue anything? And MDR said nope because you don't even take yourself seriously, how do you expect to take someone else seriously? That kinda slapped me in the cheek lightly, I didn't see it coming, but I knew he was right.

Maybe that's why I haven't had a relationship for a year and a half, it's because I don't even take myself seriously. Every guy I've talked to lately, I don't really give him the time of day or any real type of relationship move, so maybe that's why they don't do it for me. Maybe it's just this huge cycle. Maybe we've gotten so old and so smart that we really do look at the significant other too much and judge him/her completely. Maybe, I've told myself for so long not to take any guy seriously and not to give him much so that he'll give me more, but yet I'm making him look at me the way I look at him.

I'm curious now. I want to test this theory.

Thanks MDR.

Btw, I'm actually gonna "blog" on the next entry, I went to the Natural History Museum with my cousin Matt & I took pictures with my phone. Forgive the poor image quality, I wanted to try the blog & picture bit. Next time I'll try to remember to bring a real camera.

My "Interesting" Weekend

Well, I woke up around 245pm on Friday.
Proceeded to get in a car accident in which I was the one who hit the other car in the rear.
That obviously didn't make my day start off very well.
I got home after picking my sister up from McDonald's (where the accident took place)
and got somewhat reprimanded and lectured by my boss.
Even more fun.
After being somewhat scolded by MM, I chilled around at home working on the things he was asking for. Met up with Rick to discuss further options and solutions to our problems.
Then, we went bowling, then ate at JJ's and talked for hours about whatever human intellect willed us to talk about.
Got home at 5am.

Never slept Friday night/Saturday morning due to the excitement of finding out I got accepted to CSUF (finally!) I stayed awake so I could tell my parents.
Spent some hour or so filling out my FAFSA, my family left me home alone.
I watched movies for hours and then fell asleep at 3pm.
Woke up at 445pm to my mom bitching about how I didn't do her errands.
I didn't wana hear it, I went back to sleep.
Finally woke up at 2am.

Didn't sleep Saturday night/Sunday morning.
Used the elliptical for 30 mins.
Watched even more television/movies.
Finally had the balls to tell my mom about my car accident, 48 hours after the fact.
Spent some time on the phone making a claim on insurance.
Mom yelled at me on the phone, made me feel like shit.
I cried & slept.
Woke up at 1am.

Still awake 'til now, doing something for my mom online.

Wonderful isn't it?

I sleep to avoid my emotions.

The Random Shit I Think About At Night

So do you ever wonder why your past tends to repeat itself, but sometimes in a different fashion and sometimes in exactly the same way?

Or do you ever wonder why your past (a person) tends to come back and find you in the present?

How come people, who don't even stick by you for as long as they can, always come back to say something new or to try to rekindle the remnants of a broken friendship?

Again, what compels us to forgive the acts that upset us the most?

For example, I used to like a guy a long time ago, when I was a senior in high school, or maybe a junior. I was completely fascinated by everything about him and never found a boring moment being with him, but no matter what I did, he would never truly open up his heart to me. It ended up pulling us apart as well. He also, after telling me we should just be friends, got a girlfriend who ended up hating me and talking all this shit behind my back about me. He never seemed to care that she did these things to me, so I left him completely. I put my feelings on the back burner and tossed our friendship aside and grew some type of hate for the person he turned into, not the person I used to know.

I used to think this guy had feelings for me, I thought that maybe the words about me making a very large and important impact on his life were true. But he forgot about me as quickly as I had let him go.

Here's the weird part, what in his head made him decide to hit me up and be my friend again? What in his head made him decide to message me and tell me that he moved back into the area?

He wants to hang out. I know I'm way beyond our past bullshit because it's been so many years. But I feel like it would be awkward to even hang out with him with our old friends. I feel like the situation would be much too weird and I'd have absolutely nothing to say.

Why do these types of situations always happen to me?

I meet tons of new people each month, but it's rarely a new person that ends up trying to contact me and peak some kind of relationship albeit friendship or "relationship."

Why does your past come back and interrupt your future?

Weird isn't it. I guess you get what I'm saying now. Just a random string of thoughts that plagued me today. Why does this guy want to hang out with me? Do we really never move on and stop talking to someone completely? How true is, once a friend, always a friend?

Strange.

Maybe I should hang out with him and come back and tell you how awkward it was.

I'm honestly not complaining, I'm open to forgiveness and making old ex-friends, friends again. But it's just a weird concept. What is it about human nature that makes us feel this way? Rekindling what's old.

Blog vs. Diary

I think I tend to write a diary entry more than I blog because I don't have a camera.

Long story short, some stupid bitch who called herself my friend, that I used to be down for, jacked my camera one drunken night and laughed about it in my face when I asked her if she had it. Turns out she hid it in someone's car, now the female that owns the car is fuckin' too dope to kick it 'cus she's married to the boyfriend and won't pick up my calls to give me my long lost camera.

Yeahhh fucking shady ass bitches.

I learned that female promoters are dumb and it's better to be friends with them first, then to only be friends through promotion. 21XL is ten times doper than Aces ever was and I'm damn proud to say that.

And as time goes on, I understand the female gender more and more, but despise them even more than that. I feel like I don't give a shit for one of my "best friends" anymore, she's acting dumb. I don't know who she is anymore and none of her "original" homies do either. She's too cool to kick it, she loves her new friends more. She doesn't even hit me up when she comes into town, super whack.

Okay I think I'm venting on some random shit.

So I just woke up and I have to teach at 7pm, it's now 518pm and I'm mad lazy. I have to hop in the shower and go over my lesson plan still. Ughhh.

And I've decided that my new years resolutions are..No more second guesses on a guy that I COULD give the benefit of the doubt to, chances are if he fucks up and acts stupid once, he'll do it again, so get over it. uhh..lose weight, seriously, beer = pudge. andddd I don't know.

I'm overlly distracted by all my thoughts right now, I'll bullshit this later.

What Compels Us to Forgive the Acts that Upset Us the Most..?

Just a random thought, why are some people more forgiving than others? You'd probably say that one who is forgiving has not really been hurt or is more compassionate and you'd probably account someone unforgiving with someone who is cold or insecure about being hurt. I find that neither are true. I'm not an insecure person, I'm not extremely afraid of being hurt, but yet I constantly forgive those who have hurt me the most.

For example, when I've done those lame myspace surveys and it asks, "Where is the person who hurt you the most?" I can only think of one person to associate with my past pain. But I forgave him, I have no ill feeling towards him at all because he's changed for the better, or at least he's learned to control his not so attractive qualities that once pushed me away from him to the point of cutting him off completely.

Now, when I think about it, it's not just him, there's other individuals, male or female, who have hurt me in the past and for the sake of the "benefit of the doubt," I've usually forgiven. I'm starting to think that I live a vicious cycle of relationships with people.

Every boy I've ever dated, ends up coming back into question. Meaning, sometimes I think of the possibility of getting back with someone just because I had already liked them previously. It's weird. And every female who's ever had shit with me, I've become mutually okay with because it's tiresome to have drama.

But the thing that gets me the most is, people always ask me why I'm still single or why I can't get a boyfriend, if it seems like I'm always talking to someone. Well the thing is, is that I'm talking to someone I've already talked to before or forgiven someone who's hurt and pissed me off. Why do I live this vicious cycle? And why do I pick guys who I know aren't worthy of my time, but I give it anyways.

In my mind, I have the idea of the kind of guy I'd like to be with for the rest of my life and so far no one has really come close and if they have come close, they find a way to fuck things up or maybe I'm just not in the mood for them. I don't really understand why I am the way that I am and why I give in eventually, when I should never have to.

My LA boy for example, has the bitterest outlook on life and already has a kid. He's not even the nicest guy in the world and I feel like he's always upset about something or extremely faded. Now what kind of qualities are those for a "good boyfriend." I don't even know why I bother having feelings for him, but I do. One time he said that he thinks I'm just physically attracted to him, maybe he's right.

There's another guy who's a little bit younger than me, but then when it's just me & him alone, I kinda feel for him. But when it's him in public, I tend to treat him like shit and mislead him.

I really don't understand what I'm doing. What compels us to forgive the acts that upset us the most? Why do I forgive people who hurt me, or why do I forgive some small characteristic that doesn't fit into my scheme of life? Why, do I, choose to settle for less when I can have so much more?

Interesting.